Two days ago I decided to explore the part of me that resists receiving appreciation in the form of money. I’ve been observing how easily I give from myself without expecting compensation, to the degree that my partner has to intervene and remind me that it’s OK to charge for what I do. Financial abundance (or lack thereof) seems to be a recurring theme in the spiritual community…
I could see that this is not a healthy or balanced way to contribute to the world, and I also have a growing desire to manifest more financial abundance so that we can create the life that we dream of.
So I went into that part using the technique of Internal Family Systems (IFS), infused with the approach of Teal Swan on Parts Work and Channeling.
I did not expect at all what I discovered.
It was a part that identified as saintly, perfectly good, and purely giving to the point of being self-sacrificing. There was almost a desperate need to be seen as good and selfless, so as to become indispensable to others.
Makes sense…but then it went deeper.
I realized that the reason this part wants to be seen this way is to avoid being ignored, humiliated and pushed aside, which it thought would happen if it was too greedy (asking for money) or thought too highly of itself (owned its excellence).
Makes sense, I thought, but then it went even deeper.
I started seeing myself as a maid, whose role is to serve and enable others, and who would never get her turn to shine, because it’s just not her position. Just as the lowest caste in India would never dream of becoming a part of the highest caste.
I started seeing my mother and my grandmother, how they had unconsciously identified as the “maid” archetype, the one who serves and sacrifices. How all the women who came before my mother had dedicated their lives to the house and the family, becoming the indispensable building blocks of the old societal structure. And my mother still carries that imprint too.
I could feel my entire ancestral lineage behind me. All the women who had agreed to remain small and had given up their dreams, holding me in place, wanting me to stay loyal to their pain.
And it kept going deeper…
I realized that each of them had been identified as the peasant, the maid, the victim, the hard working good person. Indeed, being a good person was definitely ingrained in this identity.
And I was now carrying this burden. There was even a feeling of responsibility to maintain this identity. For if I would step out of that paradigm, I would undermine all their suffering by showing them that I can just step out of it. That I can be free, do what I love, attract abundance without struggle, and be seen in my unique excellence. The guilt was definitely there.
At first I felt anger towards them for passing this burden on to me. I felt betrayed by my ancestors for letting me believe that I had no light in me, and if there was, that light was not to be seen by the world.
….But then my partner helped me to see how they were simply victims of the old patriarcal society that had pushed them into the corner, and those who benefited from them staying small, so that they themselves could be served.
I got furious towards the system that had fueled the story that certain people should stay small, especially women, as if they did not carry the divine light inside of them. As if they didn’t hold a unique value to this world. Their fate had become to serve and to endure and to die with all their dreams inside of them.
I was angry to those who had looked down on the women of my family, as if they were less than. That since a very young age they had been trained to be obedient and to never dare to put themselves on the same level with their “masters”.
In my tear infused fury I swore that I would never ever bow down to anyone ever again. I would stand tall, allowing my light to shine through, becoming larger, even if that meant someone else feeling uncomfortable with it. I would look at all humanity at the eye level, as equals in value, refusing to be enslaved by someone else’s greed, fear or shame.
I saw myself turning towards my ancestors, validating the pain of their victimhood, and I showed them that I was not going to leave them behind. I was going to push forward for all of them. To make things right by stepping into my full embodied feminine power, and to gain liberation for the whole family lineage.
I felt my female ancestors crying the relief of their pain being acknowledged and I felt their support building up behind me. I’m not letting go of the past, I’m integrating it and bringing it with me.
Our ancestral wounds and conditioning run deep. They are imprinted in our DNA and we might not even be consciously aware that we are still playing out the old patterns and beliefs that our ancestors held. They come out in the way that we view ourselves in relation to the world. What we consider ourselves capable of accomplishing? What level of success and abundance do we see ourselves worthy of receiving?
As we heal our ancestral wounds, we eventually step into our true empowered selves and let our essence shine thru. As we do this, the healing spills over to everyone around us and echoes back to all those who came before us.
If you would like to witness and become aware of your own conditioning and wounds that are holding you back from creating what you want in life, you can join our Conscious Manifestor Workshop. In this workshop I channel what is holding you back in life and you get a chance to interact with this part of your consciousness directly. Many of our participants have gained invaluable insights about their relationships, self-concept, life purpose, trauma and more, which has helped them to transform their lives.
You can read more and register here.
Watch a demonstration of Parts Work I did with my partner: